Recovery and Keeping Going

I've never felt so serious about recovery. People think recovery is a life without depression but this quote really does sum it up....

As much as I've hated the last two years battling depression it has made me more compassionate and thankful to those around me. The last two years are a bit of a blur as I can't really remember the last time I was truly happy. That's sad I know. All I really remember is the moments spent lying on the floor in tears wanting this to stop, interview rooms and offices with staff discussing how I was feeling, the check in sessions in the morning and afternoon with staff to make sure I felt okay, the nights spent with racing thoughts, the nights spent on the phone to Samaritans or Breathing Space, an assessment under the Adults with Incapacity (Scotland) Act, the amount of upset and worry I put my family, friends and teachers through, the GP and psych appointments. I didn't want people to think I was weak. I had to be brave. I had no choice. But I never thought in my life I would be sat infront various professionals talking about "feelings" it was honestly like being stripped layer by layer until I felt so small. These people knew more about my situation than anyone else did. To see my life on 3 bits of paper I thought "Was that all I was worth?" Each part analysed and put in my medical notes. I tell you something it felt weird. I still have the copy of it and all my hospital letters from my appointments. I look back and I think "How the heck did I manage to get through this the last two years?!" I don't know how I managed to be honest I guess I'm a lot stronger than I thought I was.

2016 already.... Where has the time went? Everything is moving forward so quickly. I still do have periods when I feel awful and don't think I can keep going but it makes me appreciate the good days. I didn't bother setting myself New Years resolutions this year but I've decided instead to set myself goals that are manageable and things I can achieve everyday and feel somewhat positive. Ive learned that I have to take my mental health one step at a time. I've never felt so determined to win this battle. Depression has been in my life for too long and it's outstayed its welcome. Even if it's just to get rid of this black dog for a while that would be great. I'm grateful I have those around me who encourage me to fight, the people I met/speak to online, Jessica Regan and the Instagram Recovery Community. 2016 is going to be the year I fight my hardest. I want to recover badly.... I want to lead a life where I feel well and not relying on medication to help me day to day, to continue to work for a year and then do my degree to become a registered nurse and finally to help others.

A quote I told one of my patients before I was moved on to another ward. I've never experienced a stranger having such an impact on me before. It was so lovely to feel appreciated and to know I'd had an impact in their recovery and progress. I wrote down the following; 

"This may feel like a struggle but take things one step at a time. You're stronger than you believe and braver than you seem. Obstacles will get in the way but you can get over them, see them as hurdles that you have to overcome if you believe you can, you will."

What's it like living with depression? - ***TW***

Depression is darkness. It's like being stuck in a tunnel but there's no light at the end of it. You feel so negative about yourself, life and the future. Everything seems meaningless and you see no point in anything. You feel numb so empty that you just feel like nothing. The feelings of joy and happiness are gone almost like someone has stolen them away from you. Your mind is like a battlefield so negative and so loud. The thoughts race and they're hard to control. The voice in your head shouts at you telling you how much of a burden you are etc. The feelings of self hate becomes stronger and this is depressions way of making you feel as if you're drowning even more unable to get out of that dark tunnel you are in. You find it hard to be around people that love you that you begin to push your family and friends away. You feel like a bad person but you just can't let them in to help you cant be seen as weak and that you've let them down. You're now alone in your room crying wanting this pain to end. You can't save yourself and nobody else can save you. You go to sleep and wake up the next again day fighting the same thoughts and feelings as you did the day before. Getting out of bed in the morning is hard because you just don't see the point you know the day will be shit anyway and why get up when your first thought in the morning is "I can't do this anymore." You wake up exhausted and it's like no matter how much sleep you get nothing will help fix that constant tiredness you feel. The negativity feels as if it's taking over and there's nothing you can do about it. You ask yourself " Does life have to always be like this?"

THE ANSWER TO THAT QUESTION IS IT DOESNT HAVE TO BE. THERE IS HELP OUT THERE!!

Speak with your GP who can offer support and refer you to mental health services for appropriate treatment. There are different treatment options you can try it might take a while to find the right one and it can be frustrating but when you find the right one life will begin to become different. You don't have to suffer alone with this illness. Things may seem dark now but it can't remain like this forever right? Where there is light there is hope.....

Looking back.. *TW*

This week was quite an interesting one if I'm honest but it has given me an opportunity to reflect. On Monday I was at a meeting and was encouraged to speak about the support I received from my teachers for my depression. It was quite useful explaining how they helped and it was a bit of a reminder of just how far I've come in recovery with the help of them. I've always been grateful to them but I've realised that they really have helped me to become more resilient and cope with challenges I face in my recovery. It made me realise that so many people take teachers and support for granted and if I'm honest they've saved me in so many ways. You do wonder though " what if they didn't get me the help I needed, what if they weren't there to talk" I'd dread to think what would've happened. I guess I'm one of the lucky ones because there's people out there who aren't as lucky and don't have those amazing people like I have. Those were the people who got me out of dark places, who showed they cared and who encouraged me to keep fighting.

I must have been difficult to deal with when I was in the grips of depression but those people took the time to actually be there and sit with me in the darkest moments, to tell me I was going to be okay, taught me how to deal with this monster. I felt less alone having them by my side supporting me through this.They said once that "you have to be cruel to be kind" and you know what they're 100% right they said I'd thank them one day and I really do. I did have to get moaned at to go to appointments/counselling sessions, to see my GP and tell my parents about what was going on but I'm glad they forced me to do these things because it has played a part in getting me to where I am today. 

The one quote I always remember Mr B telling me when I was really struggling " you may have lost the battle but you haven't lost the war" for some reason that quote has stuck with me I think it's because I use it as a reminder that when I feel defeated I can always try again tomorrow and start again. I have that quote written in my positivity book and on posters etc as a reminder. Feeling defeated is something I do feel sometimes but using things like quotes is something I use to get myself back on track. 

I look back at diaries and it's weird to read them because some of the words in it bring back a lot of emotion. Most of my entries were written in the moment and some when I feel distressed and to sit and read them it shows me the feelings of self hate depression brought with it. 

The desperation. The negativity. What was depression doing to me? There was no hope. Nothing.

Darkness surrounding me everywhere I go. No silence. No freedom. I thought you know what why not just let depression win?! It made me feel like nothing. That I wouldn't have a future it all seemed so hopeless. I felt selfish because I had family, friends etc that loved and cared about me but I was still feeling low and depressed. I felt like I was hurting them and that I was a burden to everyone...

BUT DEPRESSION LIED TO ME!! I WASN'T a burden and people did care about me. It tricked me into believing it's terrible lies and made me feel bad. It was surrounding me in darkness. I had to fight the darkness. I had no choice. I couldn't give up. I couldn't run away from it. It was there all the time and that was the hard part. The loud thoughts angry and shouting at me telling me I was a horrible and shit person. 

It wasn't until May this year I wanted to start fighting again. I was encouraged by Mrs B to contact my GP and see what other options I had available to me. There is so much stigma attached to antidepressants but if I'm honest it was the best decision I made going on them. It's amazing to see just how much things have changed for me. I still do struggle but not as bad as I used to. I'm starting to feel joy and positive again. I have a lot to look forward to and I'm not letting an illness stop me from what I want to do in my life. Things can improve at the time in the moment it can seem like they won't but it can get better but it just takes time. 

Recovery is still a battle but it's one I'm going to win. The question I ask myself " Do I want to be known as the girl who fought depression and won or the girl with depression who gave up?"

#SuicidePrevention

Today is Suicide Prevention Week. I've noticed a lot of people posting status updates on Facebook about how they want people to know that someone cares. No matter how alone you may feel there is always people around you who care and love you. Suicide is a difficult topic as it can be hard to talk about. I cannot imagine how difficult it must be for someone to be having suicidal thoughts because it seems like such a dark place to be in. "Most suicidal people don’t actually want to die, they just want to remove themselves from an unbearable situation, and for the pain to stop." Every other option of dealing with a situation would seem impossible and a sucidal person would see everything as hopeless. You would feel as if everyone would be better off without you but that is not the case. Suicide has a devastating effect on family, friends and anyone else who knows that individual.

Suicide Warning Signs

- Feeling worthless

- Feeling hopeless and having no hope for the future

- Feeling alone or social isolation 

- Irritability

- Feeling like a burden to others

- Changes in mood and behaviour

- Talking about death

- History of suicidal behaviour

- Risky Behaviours

- Feeling like you don't belong

- Giving away possessions

- Alcohol and Drug Misuse 

- Feeling Trapped

- Feeling Worthless

If you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts and feelings please do seek help now. Asking for help is nothing to be ashamed of. Talk to someone you trust whether that's a family member, friend, teacher, youth worker, GP or any other individual you can trust. There are people who can help and support you. If you live in Edinburgh the following contact numbers can be used to speak to someone and get help. Don't suffer in silence and you're not alone in this. 

Self-Soothe Box

While at CAMHS I was doing a bit of work on distress tolerance and through this I was given strategies on how to deal with when I'm feeling distressed and ways to distract myself. I'd tried to make a self soothe box in the past but it didn't really help when I was in a very distressed state.

 So when sitting down in an appointment we were talking about possible things that could go in the box. So the following items I put in mines were:

- My positivity book which contains positive quotes etc

- Book - Katie Piper's 365 days a year positive affirmations (I think that's what it's called!!) but this is a book that's just nice to look through as it's filled with quotes!

- Lavender Scented Candles - I was told that lavender can be quite calming (according to the psychologist) haven't actually tried it but I will.

- Letters and Cards from friends - These can be something that can help when I'm not feeling great as they're positive letters and really encouraging.

- Nail Polish - Depending on the level of distress if I felt able to I'd usually paint my nails as a distraction.

- Relaxation CDs - I was given these from my GP and find they can be quite helpful when trying to get to sleep and also to unwind before bed at night. 

- Friendship Bracelet - It may only be a bracelet but it means something to me as it was given to me from one of my friends after she made it while in hospital.

Other things I've been adding

- Bubbles- I'm not sure why I added these but it's to do with how my cousin loves bubbles so it reminds me of him.

- Play doh and Magic sand - I did add these because it was an option on the list for self soothe touch so I decided to buy two small tubs to see if it can help when distressed or feeling low.

- Memory Book - I've taken photos from previous albums of happy times and things that make me happy. This was to try and distract my mind from the horrible thoughts and the photos give me something to focus on.

- Colouring sheets and pens - This is something I've re added into my box. I've added this as it may be useful to use when I need distracted or feeling low but not really distressed.

Below is a picture of my half completed box there's still a few bits I'm putting in it but this is it at the moment!!

Starting conversations about mental health

I don't really post statuses about depression or mental health on my Facebook page but I heard about a young man who contemplated suicide on the Scots Monument and some of the comments around this I found very sickening. I was surprised to see it was from people who I was friends with on Facebook I ended up deleting them as friends because the comments were just vile. This was a young man who had completely hit rock bottom and suicide was the only thing on his mind which is a sad thing to hear. People taking photos of him and commenting on how he was "selfish" and "should just go ahead and do it instead of causing disruption" is this really the attitude people have about mental health? When someone's so vulnerable and needing help this is how horrible some people can be. It really disgusted me. People writing information on a comment about depression and not being very well educated about the illness. This is a guy who probably had nobody to turn to and felt like this was the only way out and all we can do is criticise him and be horrible towards him. This is someone's friend or family member we are talking about here. I was relieved to hear that after 2 hours the police managed to talk him down and I really do hope he is now getting the help and support that he needs. I was sitting on the train home from college when I thought about writing a status about it but I was having second thoughts because I wouldn't know what people would say etc. I decided to post it in the end and after three minutes since being posted it had 7 likes and then two hours later this happened.....

95 likes and 28 comments. I didn't expect it to get that much attention and people commenting. I had people commenting telling me how they'd felt low and sucidal in the past and I really admired people's bravery of posting how they'd suffered from depression and what got them through it. I had comments of people agreeing with my status and saying they were proud of me for posting a status like this and a few people worked out that I suffer from depression. 

Three hours later. I went onto my news feed again and I was shocked to see that the conversations about mental health were ongoing. I saw various statuses about people suffering from depression and not being ashamed of it and it's true you shouldn't be ashamed of suffering from depression. It's perfectly okay to seek help for depression, it's okay to be in therapy, it's okay to take antidepressants. You need to do what's best for you and if that means seeing the mental health services then that's perfectly okay. We will all require support at some points in our lives and that's not a bad thing at all. I think what people struggle to understand is that depression is an illness, it's not a choice. This quote really does explain it: 'That's the stigma, because, unfortunately, we live in a world where if you break your arm, everyone runs over to sign your cast, but if you tell people you're depressed, everyone runs the other way. That's the stigma. We are so, so, so accepting of any body parts breaking down, other than our brains. And that's ignorance. That's pure ignorance. And that ignorance has created a world that doesn't understand depression, that doesn't understand mental health.'

If anyone needs to vent or anything do send an email to: MHrecoveryx@hotmail.com and I'll reply asap! Recovery will happen and we can fight this❤️

To anyone who is struggling with depression

          

If you, or someone you know, is suffering from depression, please read this. You will get through this❤️

You may not know me and that's okay but as I sit here and write to you I want to let you know you will be okay. Even though you don't know me I am here for you. There's something very frightening about darkness I know. That scary place you feel you're in. It's dark, bleak and everything feels so hopeless. All you can think of is how to get yourself out of this shit dark place. But you don't have the motivation and all you would rather do is curl up in a ball and cry because you're powerless, you're tired and defeated. You feel lost and you aren't really sure who you are anymore. You feel weak and you feel worthless. You cannot get away from the thoughts inside your head no freedom no silence. You have no hope in getting better because it's too hard. I understand because I experience this. This illness is shit I know and I wish I could make it better for you. 

You may have a reason as to what triggered your depression or you might not and that's okay. I'm not expecting you to know all the answers. All I know is that it's unfair that you have depression and how much it is affecting you. I know this is hard to live with but you gotta keep fighting. Keep fighting for someone or something you love. Maybe your friend, family, baby in the family or even something or someone else? You gotta find something to keep going for even if it's something small. The darkness is horrible I know and there has been times when you've probably thought "what's the point?" But I want to tell you that you are strong and that you can do this. You have so much strength even though you don't feel strong right now I believe you are because you are still fighting and trying to improve things no matter how difficult this is. 

There's so much uncertainty and I know that is so frightening and distressing. I know that there will be periods that you experience that will be hard, so fucking hard but don't give up. Some days you may feel like giving up and may feel unable to cope. But it will get better, I know you are probably unable to believe this but it will take time. There are ways to cope with this illness and there is support available. Medication is an option and it can be helpful with managing your condition but your GP can give you as much support as you need. Let people in to help you, it's okay to ask for help when you need it. It's NOT your fault you have depression. Asking for help DOESN'T make you weak. 

Depression left me feeling weak and low and it was a horrible thing to have to deal with. The thoughts were and still are hard to deal with. I hated how depression would strike me and I would be in a darkness I couldn't get out of it just wasn't bearable. It brought a lot of feelings of shame and guilt and those were hard to deal with. I reached out for help and it was the most terrifying thing to ever do. The three words that were the hardest to admit were; "I need help." It was my teachers who were my absolute rocks if it wasn't for them I wouldn't have been able to cope with the darkness depression surrounded me in. They sat with me when I was feeling very low, listened to me, understood me and were there for me, they saved me from things getting so much worse. They encouraged me to attend doctors appointments and supported me no matter what. I'm receiving treatment at the moment I receive weekly support and on medication. Even though I suffer from depression I know it doesn't define me as a person.

I've learned that you are never alone. There are always people you can talk to about what you're going through. But the thing you have to do is let them in to help and let them know what you are going through. Just having someone to support you through this difficult time in your life can help. But I understand that it may be hard for you to talk to people about how you feel. You may be feeling embarrassed and ashamed but let me tell you that you have nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about. You may feel that if you tell your family, friends, colleagues etc that you have depression you may fear that you will be judged and treated differently. There's so much stigma surrounding depression and that stigma needs to be challenged because it's stopping people from speaking out about depression and mental health. 

You deserve to get better and you deserve help. Please don't suffer in silence because it's just too difficult to deal with on your own. Talk to someone you trust whether that's a friend, family member, teacher or a doctor. You deserve to get better and be happy. You deserve to be free from this monster called depression. You can get through this because I believe in you💜

Keep Fighting x

If anyone needs to talk or anything please send me an email on: MHrecoveryx@hotmail.com and I will get back to you asap. 

X