Looking back.. *TW*

This week was quite an interesting one if I'm honest but it has given me an opportunity to reflect. On Monday I was at a meeting and was encouraged to speak about the support I received from my teachers for my depression. It was quite useful explaining how they helped and it was a bit of a reminder of just how far I've come in recovery with the help of them. I've always been grateful to them but I've realised that they really have helped me to become more resilient and cope with challenges I face in my recovery. It made me realise that so many people take teachers and support for granted and if I'm honest they've saved me in so many ways. You do wonder though " what if they didn't get me the help I needed, what if they weren't there to talk" I'd dread to think what would've happened. I guess I'm one of the lucky ones because there's people out there who aren't as lucky and don't have those amazing people like I have. Those were the people who got me out of dark places, who showed they cared and who encouraged me to keep fighting.

I must have been difficult to deal with when I was in the grips of depression but those people took the time to actually be there and sit with me in the darkest moments, to tell me I was going to be okay, taught me how to deal with this monster. I felt less alone having them by my side supporting me through this.They said once that "you have to be cruel to be kind" and you know what they're 100% right they said I'd thank them one day and I really do. I did have to get moaned at to go to appointments/counselling sessions, to see my GP and tell my parents about what was going on but I'm glad they forced me to do these things because it has played a part in getting me to where I am today. 

The one quote I always remember Mr B telling me when I was really struggling " you may have lost the battle but you haven't lost the war" for some reason that quote has stuck with me I think it's because I use it as a reminder that when I feel defeated I can always try again tomorrow and start again. I have that quote written in my positivity book and on posters etc as a reminder. Feeling defeated is something I do feel sometimes but using things like quotes is something I use to get myself back on track. 

I look back at diaries and it's weird to read them because some of the words in it bring back a lot of emotion. Most of my entries were written in the moment and some when I feel distressed and to sit and read them it shows me the feelings of self hate depression brought with it. 

The desperation. The negativity. What was depression doing to me? There was no hope. Nothing.

Darkness surrounding me everywhere I go. No silence. No freedom. I thought you know what why not just let depression win?! It made me feel like nothing. That I wouldn't have a future it all seemed so hopeless. I felt selfish because I had family, friends etc that loved and cared about me but I was still feeling low and depressed. I felt like I was hurting them and that I was a burden to everyone...

BUT DEPRESSION LIED TO ME!! I WASN'T a burden and people did care about me. It tricked me into believing it's terrible lies and made me feel bad. It was surrounding me in darkness. I had to fight the darkness. I had no choice. I couldn't give up. I couldn't run away from it. It was there all the time and that was the hard part. The loud thoughts angry and shouting at me telling me I was a horrible and shit person. 

It wasn't until May this year I wanted to start fighting again. I was encouraged by Mrs B to contact my GP and see what other options I had available to me. There is so much stigma attached to antidepressants but if I'm honest it was the best decision I made going on them. It's amazing to see just how much things have changed for me. I still do struggle but not as bad as I used to. I'm starting to feel joy and positive again. I have a lot to look forward to and I'm not letting an illness stop me from what I want to do in my life. Things can improve at the time in the moment it can seem like they won't but it can get better but it just takes time. 

Recovery is still a battle but it's one I'm going to win. The question I ask myself " Do I want to be known as the girl who fought depression and won or the girl with depression who gave up?"