My Laparoscopy Experience

I wanted to share my laparoscopy experience with other women who are about to undergo one and give you a bit of an idea of what happens during your time in the hospital. This procedure is mostly a day case as I got home later that night. I'm not ashamed to admit that I was so scared beforehand! That was okay to feel like that though. You'll get instructions from the hospital on what to do the night before so I was fasting from midnight and was aloud clear fluids up until 6am ( I just had a half cup of water because I had to take medication) It should be okay to take some medications you're prescribed but check with the hospital first!

Essential things to pack in your hospital bag:

- Comfy pyjamas or nightie (loose fitting is a must and nothing tight as it can irritate the incisions)

- Slippers 

- Medications that you are prescribed and are taking

- Book/IPad/iPhone ( something to keep you distracted while waiting!)

- Phone charger (to contact people after surgery)

- Sanitary Towels (you will have some light bleeding afterwards)

- Dressing Gown (To wear with the hospital gown made me feel a bit more comfy)

- Wipes 

I had to be in the ward at 07:30 in the morning. I was then shown to my bed and where everything was in the bay. I was asked to provide a urine sample into a bedpan this is just standard as you have to give a sample so they can make sure you're not pregnant. I had all my paperwork filled in it was really just the nurse going over information that was provided at my preop, any changes, how I was feeling about the surgery and she took my obs and charted them.

The nurse round started at about 8am. Each hospital/ward works differently but the ward I was in was one nurse was allocated to a bay so I had a named nurse who was going to be looking after me for the whole day. She started by getting us measured up for TED stockings (these are anti embolism stockings and these help to prevent blood clots) the nurse can show you different ways of getting them on as they can be a bit of a struggle! Then we had to get blood taken normally I hate getting it done but this time it was fine the nurse was really good at it (if you're a baby like me the best thing to do is just look away and close your eyes) I didn't feel a thing!

Next the anaesthetist and consultants do their rounds. First I met the anaesthetist he introduced himself, asked if I'd had an anaesthetic before and if so how did I react to it - (was I okay after? Any nausea?) Then asked if I had any questions and that I'd see him in theatre. The consultant was next to come and see me - He/She will ask if you understand what procedure you're having, any questions and checks if that is your signature again on the consent form.

The women in my bay were all lovely. I felt like the baby of the bay because I was only 19 whereas the three of them were in their early or late 40's. But it was good to actually chat to them and realise that we'd had the same or similar responses from consultants when we've tried to get them to take our pain seriously. I was fourth on the list so it felt like quite a long wait because I was getting tired and hungry. 

When it was my turn to go to theatre. The theatre nurse came up and she checks a few things like - have you taken underwear off, hospital gown on, name bands and allergy bands on, TED stockings on, all jewellery off and nail polish. I was then taken down to the main theatres and was transferred onto another bed which was uncomfortable but it was bearable. I was then taken into the anaesthetic room and in there was two anaesthetists and a theatre nurse. You can tell them if you have a fear of needles or anything because I did and they were really good about it. I was told to take some slow deep breaths and look away. Next thing I knew the cannula was in and I didn't feel a thing! Then they will place some little stickies on your chest and one down at your side (that's the coldest one!) to keep an eye on your blood pressure, heart rate and also put an oximeter on your finger so they can keep an eye on your oxygen saturation levels. When the anaesthetic gets injected through the cannula it does feel a bit cold and then your told to count back from 10 (your lucky if I got to 8 and then I was under!)

The next thing I woke in recovery. I wasn't in pain I was comfortable but very groggy. The recovery nurses kept an eye on me for a bit and when I was more responsive and they were satisfied I was transferred back to the ward. The nurse I met in the morning came to see how I was doing and checked my obs again to see if they were okay. I was still connected to the IV fluids so she left the bag running until it was finished. As soon as you get back from theatre you aren't expected to eat straight away you can wait until you feel ready. The thought of a sandwich just didn't seem appealing but the one thing I did want was a yoghurt. The nurse was nice enough to go and look for one for me. I managed a yoghurt and a cup of water before going back for a sleep. 

The incisions were covered with dressings. The only issue I had was blood had leaked through the dressing onto my skin and on the bed. The nurse just put a pressure dressing over the plaster after letting me use some of the baby wipes I had packed to clear the blood from my skin. I was told that for the first 24-48 hours to leave the dressing on and then I could change it over the next few days.

(Day 2 - Dressing change)

The consultant who performed my surgery came to see me to let me know how the operation went. I was told they found endo on my womb and on my bowel. They removed it from my womb but couldn't from my bowel as it was risky and would have to involve a more specialist surgeon. He then gave a time of when I'd see my consultant and what the next steps would be. 

I felt able to mobilise out of the bed and walk to the toilet to get changed into a clean nightie and get freshened up. I would say though take it easy when you first get out of the bed because I felt quite weak/unsteady. I also managed to pass urine after the operation which was positive as that indentified that I wasn't in retention. Retention is when your unable to pass urine freely this can happen sometimes if you have been catheterised during an operation.

I then contacted my parents to let them know how surgery had gone and that I was in the ward and okay. They were going to collect me when I was ready to be discharged. I had a cup of tea and a sandwich and it was honestly the best thing I'd had to eat and drink. The nurse kept coming in and out to check if we were okay and if we wanted more water. After surgery I was really thirsty so I went through about 4 jugs of water but this was due to the breathing tube they used during surgery. I got discharged that night at about 6:30pm. I found for the journey home if you wear a dressing gown and put a pillow to your abdomen the seatbelt won't irritate it and it will be a lot more comfortable and pain free going home. 

*** I hope this helps 😘 if anyone has any questions feel free to ask! Instagram: @endowarrior_x

Preop appointment🏥💉

I had my preop assessment on Thursday(3rd) I'm not going to lie but I was scared. Dylan was working and he sat with me in the waiting room which was helpful💕 he took my mind off the appointment a bit and made me laugh which helped calm the nerves a bit. I'm so lucky to have him💕  I was then called by the nurse she told me her name was Moira and she'd be the nurse doing my assessment today. She asked me more about what I done as a job and when I told her I was a nursing assistant she replied " oh so you'll know what the booklet I'm about to go through with you is and you'll understand it all well I won't have to explain it all over to you." We done it page by page she just asked questions that she had to ask. We went through my medical history and she wanted to know more about my depression. I was open with her despite it being difficult because I've got nothing to be ashamed about I guess. She was so understanding didn't push me by asking too many questions just the things she need to know about my medications. Afterwards she focused on nursing again and spoke about how I should become a registered nurse. My MSU and blood pressure were all fine so she said I'm fit for surgery💪🏻 Moira was definitely one of my favourite staff nurses I've met when at appointments she was so understanding and sensitive about all this. In all the nurses I've spoken to she has got to be the one that listened to me more and tried to understand how much this is all affecting me. She said depending on how the surgery goes and how I feel after it I may get out later that day if I feel well enough if not it'll be an overnight stay in hospital. I wasn't in the appointment long because we got through paperwork really quickly because she didn't have to explain things and I left with loads of information about going under anaesthetic, laparoscopy and the ward I'll be in.

As I was walking to the stairs I heard my name being called by a woman who I'd never met before. She explained I'd been referred onto her and she was from the Endometriosis and Pelvic Pain Team and that she was a clinical nurse specialist but also worked as a midwife and a counsellor. She wanted to have a private chat with me for half an hour which I agreed to. I also met Jennifer who was also a nurse and she was so kind she didn't stay with us but I found out she may be with me on the day of surgery. Helen took me into one of the consulting rooms in the maternity area of the hospital and she sat down and told me information about endometriosis and where about in the body it can be found etc and what treatments can be effective. This helped so much because the consultants explained it in far too technical terms and it was hard to understand when in a position as the patient and overwhelmed by the information being given. She then wanted to know more about me and how long I'd been in pain for and about the professionals. She wasn't shocked by the responses which made me think that more women that she's spoken to have been told the same thing about pain being normal etc. It wasn't a scary experience talking to Helen which was weird because I knew she would understand and not reply saying the wrong thing. I allowed myself to open up to her because I know she wants to help. She asked how my mood had been the last few weeks and if my medication was okay and I explained it had been and I'd been doing well the last two weeks despite there being a few blips. She explained more about the surgery and asked if I'd consent to taking part in research and allow them to take some biopsies which I agreed to. She made the treatment options sound less overwhelming and scary. I wished I had met Helen sooner because I wouldn't be in the mess that I'm in just now. I wouldn't have had to fight for so long for someone to listen. I wouldn't have had to suffer through all this. She gave me a few questionnaires to complete and give back to her on surgery day and that her or J would be there to take blood samples from me too. I guess the comforting thing was knowing that a friendly face would be there on the day to reassure me because I'm so scared.

This weeks going ons & preop appointment date!

I've been on sick leave this week from work which has been a bit of a pain but I'm returning tomorrow night. H phoned today to see how I was doing which was lovely and asked if I wanted to just take tomorrow off as well but I insisted I'd come in and work but she said that it wouldn't be a problem if I wanted to take a whole week of leave until I feel 100%. Resting in bed is driving me up the wall there's only so much Netflix that someone can take. A wasn't in today but she's in tomorrow I haven't seen her in weeks as she's been off ill but she's hopefully phoning me tomorrow because I need to let her know about everything that's going on at the moment as she's my boss. I know her response will be better than the response was on Wednesday from one of the senior nurses for taking sick leave it was honestly like I'd murdered someone. I guess we were both lucky that I didn't tell her to piss off and instead said that " I couldn't help being unwell." 

 I ended up in out of hours at the hospital and got more antibiotics👎🏻  Two times this week when talking to doctors they're like " Okay so we're going to rule things out. Any chance that you think you could be pregnant?" I'm sitting thinking " I've done the urine sample for you and dipped it at work and there's the results in front of you it's clearly a UTI I'm not bloody pregnant!" Big shoutout to the guy from NHS24 though he was fab👍🏻 got me seen within the hour and today I'm feeling much better than I was.

So today the letter arrives from the hospital. I've got my preoperative assessment next Thursday
(3rd) of November. The operation could be 7-10 days after that appointment and that'll be around the time of my birthday. What a brilliant thing to happen when I'm turning 19 thanks body😠 Everything is overwhelming because it's moving so quickly. I'm scared about this surgery I'm not going to lie. My consultant has changed and I haven't met him yet and I now know he's doing a laparoscopy and will remove the endometriosis. I'm still unsure about the mirena coil option because ever since September with the "incident" after they put me on the hormone patch I'm scared to go back down the road of self-destruction. I had my doubts when this patch was introduced because I knew exactly how it would affect my mood and I was right and they didn't listen. I got a print out of a list of past/current medications I'm taking to give to the nurse and I was shocked at the amount of things that have been prescribed over the last 5 years for pain and hormonal purposes..... 15 different painkillers and 9 hormone treatments. Seeing that noted down on paper it's weird because it's so much and how annoying it must be to work out what to prescribe next and what painkiller will be effective.

My main fear about all this. People around me don't understand and think this will sound so stupid. I've spent months being told by consultants: "this pain is all in your head" it's hard because it's like they make you out to be like your going mad and this is all just in your imagination. If it was in my imagination I wouldn't be doubled over, throwing up and in agony. I wouldn't be crying to doctors about how bad things have gotten and Dr L having to put up with me. It emotionally breaks you down especially when someone else can't help validate something you are experiencing.

Ending on TWO positives💪🏻.... Graduation is soon📚🎓 I'm hoping I can make it because I want to turn up and show that a grade doesn't define my future and I know that my report was all based on real practice and I done the right thing doing what I did. I've got my dress sorted as well. I felt comfortable in this one because it didn't show off too much around my stomach as the other ones made the bloating look horrible.

I'm off my three week reviews with Dr L for now which is good because I didn't think she'd ever allow this to happen since September💪🏻 THIS IS PROGRESS!! I suppose the good thing is I know I can phone or request to see her at any point I feel things are slipping.

Living a life with endo...

I found my voice a few weeks back on Instagram when I shared some words about feelings and coping with endometriosis. I was surprised to have received comments from others about this (see previous post) It's always hard to sit and try and come up with words to explain how much of a struggle this is. For someone who is not a sufferer they wouldn't be able to understand the pain that we endo sisters have to go through. It's the pain that people dismiss as "period pain" or the pain that "everyone gets" but if pain doesn't go away then surely that can't be seen as a "normal" or "everyday" thing. 

When you are told that you have endometriosis there are no words to simply describe how to feel in that moment. A mix of emotions overwhelm you and you aren't sure what to feel. You are told your treatment options are this or this option and then risks are explained. You are told this would be the best option because of this reason or this isn't recommended because of age or whatever reasons. Then everything moves so quickly and fertility is brought up in the conversation. The words "The risk with surgery because you're so young could mean fertility can be affected." It's like you are instantly made to jump forward ten years or so of your life to think about pregnancy and having a child. After hearing the shit news you are left to make decisions on how best to go forward but what if you don't know or if you're like me feeling scared and uncertain about any decisions that you need to make. Then the part about there being no cure is explained and management is key. Every chance taken of trying to stop the endometriosis growing back is ruined because it keeps on producing which means that pain becomes a thing again. But the one thing they forget to mention is the way it affects you emotionally. The consultants are just there to treat the physical side of it and the emotional side is the burden that you have to carry with you every day.

Alone. That's what I feel. None of my friends or family understand except two people who have endometriosis. They tell you how they're sorry to hear about the diagnosis and start showing all this sympathy just like if someone had died. They tell you to be strong and everything will be okay. The reassurance isn't enough. They don't understand what it's like to be in pain, having to force all these different pills down your throat to manage the pain and all the days and nights wasted because of pain. You tell yourself time and time again " I'll be ok" but that's hard to believe but it's the one thing we have to hold onto when having a flare up. The clutching of the abdomen while doubled over trying to manage that sharp stabbing pain that becomes stronger. The tears streaming down your face and the need to try and stay silent so nobody hears the cries from downstairs and sees how the condition defeats you. Powerless. No control. Weak. You do everything the doctors tell you to do but the condition overpowers and makes life impossible. The fear of not knowing. Not knowing what the future will hold. A future of uncertainty. The need to take each day at a time because planning ahead is unbearable. 

They tell you "You are so bloody strong and tough" inside your head you're thinking "NO" and you can't accept these words from them. This is stealing your life away from you . You have to act like you're strong because if you don't then how would people view you. You would let endo win and that would be it. You would become the girl with endometriosis and not the girl with opportunities ahead of her.

You wish you knew how to let someone know how to help. It's hard to think what they could do because it feels like a lonely journey. It feels like nobody can reach out and guide you through it all. It seems like everyone is getting on with life and doing all the things that most people do like going to university, having a family and graduating. Then there's you... The individual who is consumed by this condition and how much it is tearing you apart inside. A daily and long battle that feels like it's just constant. The way it curls up around you and takes over your body and mind. The way it grips on and doesn't let go. The difficulty of finding ways to battle through on bad pain days when it all just feels too much. The pages of writing, the history of phone calls made to Samaritans to try and find someone to sit through the darkness with you and to find some sort of hope in a really dark and shit place. The feelings of letting people down when having to phone in sick for work and leave them a staff member down. Life feels like it's at a standstill. Things may look like they're going okay but really they might be hard. 

Review💪🏻

I had my review appointment with Dr L and it went better than expected. As usual Dr L was supportive and gave me the time to talk through my current fears and concerns about my health etc. Since the medication increase it has helped in terms of coping with my mood and trying to cope with everything that's going on health wise. She used this appointment to look at both my mental health and endometriosis which was helpful as she could understand how the two conditions affect me. The one thing she did do was ask questions and she wasn't scared to ask the questions that no other doctors had explored before like what does a day of low mood consist of and what it's like to experience that. It was hard to describe but I tried my best and she already had an idea as she'd read my diary from the last appointment and just wanted to hear me verbalise what it was like. She really came down to a level in which she made me feel like she wanted to imagine what that place was like for me and how things were at the moment. She gave a lot of reassurance about if things do get to a point where the mood is low and pain is bad I am able to contact the surgery to make an emergency appointment and be seen that day. She gave her definition of emergency and told me that it's not all about chest infections but also about mental health and chronic illness as well. She gave me the impression that she really does want to help and that she was actually interested. When we spoke about the endometriosis I was able to tell her what it's like living with it and the physical and emotional aspect of the condition. I told her life feels like it's a standstill at the moment and that I'm too scared to plan ahead. She told me she can understand why I feel this way and living with an illness which is so unpredictable is hard because you never know if it's going to be a good day or a bad day. She told me that my health is important and it's okay to have to cancel plans or call in sick for work because my main priority should be looking after me and if they care enough that they'd understand. She said the next steps are to have a good conversation with the consultant and start a treatment plan and get a good idea on what next steps are and long term options. I told her medically they've tried a lot of things which have been unsuccessful and I could be looking at surgery but that's risky due to my age and fertility and I admitted I was scared. She described how things must be right now as " a rollercoaster - when it goes down it always goes back up again at some point." She said it's okay to feel what I'm feeling just now because what I'm dealing with is hard and for any 18 year old that would be a difficult thing to deal with. The one thing that she did was validate how I was feeling and she is actually listening to me and that makes me feel as if someone is on my side which is good. Dr L is an amazing GP and even though it has taken me a while to find a good GP I think I've found the right one who will support me through this shit time. 

Living with endometriosis

The more I sit with it and try to come to terms with being diagnosed with endometriosis I'm starting to accept it. My consultant is really lovely and I'm relieved she found out what is causing these problems. I mean before the diagnosis the doctors were telling me the pain was normal, it would get better once I'd had a baby, that I had IBS and fobbed me off with its just your age. It's took so long to be diagnosed. At first when I found out words cannot express the feelings it brought. It lead me to me going into a very low mood and contacting Samaritans in an absolute state. Thanks to Samaritans I got through that tough night. I didn't want to fight the low feeling but I knew I had to. I couldn't let endo beat me and make me miserable. I had to get help because it was for the best. 

Only a few friends know about the diagnosis. A reassured me he would always be there for me which is so kind and he's been an absolute rock when it comes to needing to talk or if I'm having a flare up he tries to understand how and what I'm experiencing. I spoke to staff nurse M about it on Facebook when we were having a catch up and she was so understanding and even asked me on nightshift when we were alone in the duty room how I was doing etc, M is amazing I trust her so much I've only known her since November but she's so caring and I love working with her. 

Living with flare ups is difficult. It affects day to day life and can disrupt plans if at work or planning outings. When the flare ups occur it means painkillers become my best friend during this time. The painkillers have side effects too as they cause a lot of drowsiness which can be a problem. The ones I'm on make me feel weak and drowsy and sometimes after I take them I have to go for a sleep until the drowsiness wears off. The pain can differ it can be quite a painful crampy pain but sometimes it can feel sharp and unbearable. It's not just pain that comes with it but exhaustion as well. It's hard because you may seem fine on the outside but on the inside you are screaming and in agony. 

I know there's no cure for endometriosis and the one thing I'm going to have to learn to do along with my GP and consultant is learn to live with it and manage the symptoms. I'm praying that the medication treatment options work so I don't have to go down the surgical route because the risk is high and I don't want it to affect my chances of having a family. I've been reassured that despite having endo becoming pregnant can still be possible. It's not something that makes me anxious but it's thinking that there's that possibility that if I was unable to conceive I wouldn't be able to hold that precious bundle which I can call mines in my arms. But I will keep hoping that some day that dream of having children comes true.

I don't feel there's a lot of support out there for endometriosis sufferers. You're just diagnosed then encouraged to read up about the condition and that's it. The emotional side of it isn't recognized and no signposts of where to go for support are there. I was informed on email that Endometriosis UK ran support groups so I filled in an enquiry form to get details of when the next support meeting is. I want to go along and talk to other women who are experiencing the same thing and get support but I'm scared as I've never spoke about an experience of this type in a group setting. 

Even though there's no cure I will not give up hope. Everyday is a battle but I will keep fighting.

Recovery and Keeping Going

I've never felt so serious about recovery. People think recovery is a life without depression but this quote really does sum it up....

As much as I've hated the last two years battling depression it has made me more compassionate and thankful to those around me. The last two years are a bit of a blur as I can't really remember the last time I was truly happy. That's sad I know. All I really remember is the moments spent lying on the floor in tears wanting this to stop, interview rooms and offices with staff discussing how I was feeling, the check in sessions in the morning and afternoon with staff to make sure I felt okay, the nights spent with racing thoughts, the nights spent on the phone to Samaritans or Breathing Space, an assessment under the Adults with Incapacity (Scotland) Act, the amount of upset and worry I put my family, friends and teachers through, the GP and psych appointments. I didn't want people to think I was weak. I had to be brave. I had no choice. But I never thought in my life I would be sat infront various professionals talking about "feelings" it was honestly like being stripped layer by layer until I felt so small. These people knew more about my situation than anyone else did. To see my life on 3 bits of paper I thought "Was that all I was worth?" Each part analysed and put in my medical notes. I tell you something it felt weird. I still have the copy of it and all my hospital letters from my appointments. I look back and I think "How the heck did I manage to get through this the last two years?!" I don't know how I managed to be honest I guess I'm a lot stronger than I thought I was.

2016 already.... Where has the time went? Everything is moving forward so quickly. I still do have periods when I feel awful and don't think I can keep going but it makes me appreciate the good days. I didn't bother setting myself New Years resolutions this year but I've decided instead to set myself goals that are manageable and things I can achieve everyday and feel somewhat positive. Ive learned that I have to take my mental health one step at a time. I've never felt so determined to win this battle. Depression has been in my life for too long and it's outstayed its welcome. Even if it's just to get rid of this black dog for a while that would be great. I'm grateful I have those around me who encourage me to fight, the people I met/speak to online, Jessica Regan and the Instagram Recovery Community. 2016 is going to be the year I fight my hardest. I want to recover badly.... I want to lead a life where I feel well and not relying on medication to help me day to day, to continue to work for a year and then do my degree to become a registered nurse and finally to help others.

A quote I told one of my patients before I was moved on to another ward. I've never experienced a stranger having such an impact on me before. It was so lovely to feel appreciated and to know I'd had an impact in their recovery and progress. I wrote down the following; 

"This may feel like a struggle but take things one step at a time. You're stronger than you believe and braver than you seem. Obstacles will get in the way but you can get over them, see them as hurdles that you have to overcome if you believe you can, you will."