I've never felt so serious about recovery. People think recovery is a life without depression but this quote really does sum it up....
As much as I've hated the last two years battling depression it has made me more compassionate and thankful to those around me. The last two years are a bit of a blur as I can't really remember the last time I was truly happy. That's sad I know. All I really remember is the moments spent lying on the floor in tears wanting this to stop, interview rooms and offices with staff discussing how I was feeling, the check in sessions in the morning and afternoon with staff to make sure I felt okay, the nights spent with racing thoughts, the nights spent on the phone to Samaritans or Breathing Space, an assessment under the Adults with Incapacity (Scotland) Act, the amount of upset and worry I put my family, friends and teachers through, the GP and psych appointments. I didn't want people to think I was weak. I had to be brave. I had no choice. But I never thought in my life I would be sat infront various professionals talking about "feelings" it was honestly like being stripped layer by layer until I felt so small. These people knew more about my situation than anyone else did. To see my life on 3 bits of paper I thought "Was that all I was worth?" Each part analysed and put in my medical notes. I tell you something it felt weird. I still have the copy of it and all my hospital letters from my appointments. I look back and I think "How the heck did I manage to get through this the last two years?!" I don't know how I managed to be honest I guess I'm a lot stronger than I thought I was.
2016 already.... Where has the time went? Everything is moving forward so quickly. I still do have periods when I feel awful and don't think I can keep going but it makes me appreciate the good days. I didn't bother setting myself New Years resolutions this year but I've decided instead to set myself goals that are manageable and things I can achieve everyday and feel somewhat positive. Ive learned that I have to take my mental health one step at a time. I've never felt so determined to win this battle. Depression has been in my life for too long and it's outstayed its welcome. Even if it's just to get rid of this black dog for a while that would be great. I'm grateful I have those around me who encourage me to fight, the people I met/speak to online, Jessica Regan and the Instagram Recovery Community. 2016 is going to be the year I fight my hardest. I want to recover badly.... I want to lead a life where I feel well and not relying on medication to help me day to day, to continue to work for a year and then do my degree to become a registered nurse and finally to help others.
A quote I told one of my patients before I was moved on to another ward. I've never experienced a stranger having such an impact on me before. It was so lovely to feel appreciated and to know I'd had an impact in their recovery and progress. I wrote down the following;
"This may feel like a struggle but take things one step at a time. You're stronger than you believe and braver than you seem. Obstacles will get in the way but you can get over them, see them as hurdles that you have to overcome if you believe you can, you will."
