What a year it has been, 2018 is finally in the past and my god you haven’t half tested me this year. There have been times when you’ve broken me and I’ve not had much fight left in me. I knew I couldn’t let you win, you are one bastard of an illness. You’re always there and are always cause some sort of problems. It’s having to adapt in order to not only manage but function. It’s watching what your eating and drinking and recognising triggers for a flare up, planning outfits in order to hide the horrid bloating and living in leggings and loose fitted clothing, making sure your well equipped with medications and heat pads so you can use them the minute the pain starts. You have taught me to appreciate the good days and hold onto them tightlyđź’› The days when you are able to say “you know what I can do this” and feel that spark of positivity.
There have been days when I just can’t manage the pain at home and have had to be sent up to the hospital by my GP. Admitting defeat is hard but when in so much pain you find you’ll do anything for that bit of relief. I’m grateful to the hospital staff who do everything they can to make your admission as quick as possible. The nurses who are so understanding and make sure your written up for IVs or IM injections as soon as possible and want to do everything they can to help. I’ll always be grateful to the nurse who sat with me while I cried because everything had just got so overwhelming she listened and made me feel that it was okay not to be okay. I may not remember her name but I’ll never forget what she did for me. It’s those that help you through such a low time and do everything they can to help you, those that don’t give up on you the minute things get hard.
2019 may mean further surgery but it’s a step closer to getting my life back. Endometriosis took away my life and it won’t give it back. It’s the uncertainty of not knowing what’s ahead all you know is that you have stage 4 endometriosis and that it’s severe. 2018 saw me faced with the reality of being put through an artificial menopause. Being 20 years old and suffering from menopausal symptoms was hard. You couldn’t just turn around to a friend and say “ I’m going through the menopause I’m having a hot flush,” or the prospect of how do you explain to your boss that you are going through a shit time and dealing with menopause. You hear other people say how bad it is and how they dread it and you just sit there nobody else knowing that you in fact are going through it. It was the hardest thing but I managed to bare it and got through it. The times I felt that I couldn’t get through this and I did, I survived the times I didn’t think I could do it. I had days I wanted to scream and cry and I allowed myself to do so then picked myself up again and carried on.
Endometriosis brings uncertainty with it. The not knowing if treatments will be successful in managing the condition for you to have somewhat a normal life and be able to function. The not knowing if you can have children of your own and fall pregnant naturally. The uncertainty of not knowing what the future holds and what’s ahead.
Today I say goodbye to 2018 you are in my past now. 2019 I’m ready for you and I’m ready to fight this bastard of an illness.
X
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