A letter to Depression

Depression,

I have three words for you: I hate you.

You made me feel miserable and low. That heavy feeling in my chest that wouldn't go away no matter how hard I tried to get rid of it. The tears and the irritability that I couldn't control. You made life feel like a living hell. You made me feel like a burden to other people who loved and cared about me and even though you still do make me feel like this I refuse to listen to you. Feeling in a dark place and one that I was unable to get out of no matter how hard I tried you were just stronger than me. You made me feel so weak and ashamed. I was useless and you told me that over and over. Whenever I had a good day everything would still feel quite cloudy and grey but the only thing that would run through my mind was "This isn't going to last long" because I knew there was no escape from you. You would never give me peace and the freedom that I so desperately wanted from you but you just would not allow it.

I would come home from school and then an hour later go to bed because I needed to escape from you because you had made me feel so exhausted. Telling those I love that "I'm just tired" because I had to keep this all a secret. You telling me that " I wasn't worth the help and support" because everyone would think I'm weak.  Then all the negative thoughts you made me feel like nothing. I felt so worthless like I didn't mean anything to anyone. So vulnerable. You made me think that I was alone and that nobody cared about me because they all thought I was too much of a burden when really all the people who loved me wanted to do was help. You kept me up until 2am in the morning mind racing unable to keep up with the thoughts and unable to sleep. All I wanted to do at times was stay in bed and hide from the world and hide from you but you just wouldn't leave me alone. Why do this to me?

You made me feel like I couldn't even talk to my family because they were the bad ones who were just getting on at me all the time. You put my family through hell and I strongly hate you for that. You forced me to keep silent for 6 months and the silence was the other enemy as well as you. You made me become secretive and I was reluctant to share anything with my family they were just completely closed out. It took me 6 months to break your barrier until I finally felt able to talk to my family but you still make me feel ashamed. Why make me feel so bad and ashamed? What have I done to deserve this? Nothing. 

You made it hard to feel joy. It's hard sitting watching people laugh and joke away when all I can do is just sit there and feel nothing. Feel numb. Feel empty. You are an evil illness. You made it hard to face people on the days you are around its even harder to hold a conversation because you consume me and everything just feels black. It's hard to concentrate on anything else because its like you are taking over my mind and everything else doesn't matter anymore. 

But I have been fighting against you and I seem to be winning. I have people who care about me and who I can talk to about how I feel. I'm not alone anymore I have people who love me helping me fight you and giving me this strength to overcome you. I can now talk to my family and let them help me cope and I don't end up shouting the house down when they try to talk to me about how I feel. I'm starting to feel bits of joy now and again which is something I haven't felt in a while and you know what it's a good feeling it's one I like. I'm beginning to challenge you on the negative thoughts and I think it's a battle I'm starting to win and I am in control. You still return and stick around for some time but either way I just fight twice as hard to silence you. I want to overcome you in order to enjoy the future and I want to be able to say to someone; "I got better and I know you can too"

I do still struggle against you but this is not a battle that I will give up on. I will fight for as long as it takes to get my life back and you've made me realise just how bloody strong I am. I will not surrender.

From,

Me

Bad days - The 7 things I do to get myself through a bad day.

Dealing with the bad days can be tough as it's exhausting and emotionally draining. But it's important to remember that just because you're having a bad day it DOESN'T mean that you've failed because a bad day is just a temporary blip. I'm not gonna sit here and tell you to think positive because I know just how difficult that is. I remember people telling me that "things will get better" and to "think positive" but at that time my attitude was always negative and I'd be thinking "what's the point?" and it was always that negative voice inside my head shouting at me telling me I was a "failure, useless and worthless." But I have been learning to deal with the bad days and through that I've learned different strategies in dealing with them.

1) Getting out of bed

If you wake up in the morning feeling really low and all you want to do is hide in bed all day because you don't want to face the world try to persuade yourself to get out of bed and have a bath or a shower. Even if it takes you 4+ attempts to get out of bed keep trying and never give up. I found that getting out of bed would be an achievement and something I'd accomplished on that bad day. I remind myself that "I'm stronger than depression"

2) Distractions and keeping busy

I find that distractions and keeping busy is something that does help me quite a lot. On the bad days I find that I sometimes don't really have much motivation to do anything but I find that my colouring book can be quite a good way of keeping busy. I would try and spend a maximum of an hour colouring in and then use another distraction (I have wrote a post about distraction techniques on a previous post)

3) Talking to people about it

I find talking can be quite helpful on a bad day and I would normally speak to family or friends if I felt low. However that can be unsuccessful at times because there are times when I just don't have the words to express how I actually feel and that can be tough. I guess that everyone is different and some might find talking helps whereas some find it doesn't help them. By talking to people about your feelings it can help them provide support to you but also help them understand how you feel and what you're going through.

4) Writing

I find writing is probably the one thing that I use the most. Writing on a bad day helps me to write about how I'm feeling and is somewhere I can be open about my thoughts and feelings and it's a safe place to vent. By writing I feel I can express emotion that I find too difficult to verbalise.

5) Going a walk

I find getting out of the house for a bit to get some fresh air can help. I normally take my dog a walk for an hour and just put my earphones in and listen to music to stop the negative thoughts affecting me so much. It can be nice to have a bit of time to myself and time to try and clear my head. 

6) Looking at photos 

One thing that I created was a memory book filled with photos from the past, family and times when I was happy. It's nice to look at this on a bad day because it reminds me of those who love me and that are important to me. I also filled my memory book with photos of my baby cousin as he's the one person who gets me through a bad day because when I first discovered I was suffering from depression looking at photos of him encouraged me to keep fighting and get through this bad day.

7) Self Care 

Self care is important when dealing with a bad day. Just being kind to yourself and putting yourself first. One thing I find difficult to deal with on a bad day is feeling drained so if I feel I need to I'll go for a nap for a few hours. Also making sure I'm eating and drinking enough because it's important to keep your appetite up as I know that appetite can fluctuate at times. You're doing the best you can and that's all you can do. X

8) REMEMBER..........

Distractions when feeling low

Some people consider distractions as quite a useful strategy for dealing with low mood and negative thoughts. When I'm feeling low I tend to use distractions a lot because I find that it can help me stop focusing on negative thoughts and the way I'm feeling. Over a certain period of time I've learned a lot of distraction techniques that I try to use when I feel distressed or when I feel that the low mood isn't lifting. I thought it would be helpful to share some of the distraction techniques to see if they can help you:

- Phone a friend 

- If you feel you can organise to meet up with a friend ( it's okay if you feel you can't take it in baby steps if you must)

- Go out for a walk

- Relaxation 

- Read a book

- Write in a diary or journal

- Colouring books (Amazon sell them and can be very cheap to buy)

- Have a warm bubble bath

- Listen to music 

- Baking 

- Puzzles

- Watch television

- Watch a film

- Read positive quotes

- Get a piece of paper and a pen and write about all the things you are grateful for

- Write down positive things that you have achieved in the last two weeks or even in a month 

- Loom Bands

- Draw

- Give a loved one a hug

- Play with a pet (if you have one)

-Do something nice for someone else

- Call a helpline - Samaritans - 08457909090 or email jo@samaritans.org - Breathing Space- 0800838587(free service)

- Use Apps on IPhone or iPad such as - Self Help for iPad, VirtualHopeBox, Safe Spot (These can give you ways of distracting yourself and how to help when you're feeling low and also details or organisations for help and support)

- Tell yourself that this is just a bad day and these bad feelings will pass. When it feels impossible to get through a bad day just remember that you are braver and stronger than you believe. Never ever give up because you can get through this. Never ever let a stumble in the road be the end of your journey a bad day doesn't mean that you've failed because it's just a temporary blip. Take care of yourself on a bad day put YOURSELF first and remember that it's not selfish to take care of YOU every once in a while and you must do what you think is best for you. You are doing your best and that's all you can do. X

"why not be the moon, to brighten in the darkest hour"

"Everyone wants to be the sun to lighten up everyone's life, but why not be the moon, to brighten in the darkest hour"

I have to say the quote above is one of my favourites. Sometimes just being there through someone's darkest hour can be so helpful. I came across this quote when looking for a bit of positivity and I have to say it is one I absolutely love. Someone I know saw this quote on my Twitter account and decided to retweet it as they thought it was very powerful.

I think its in your darkest hours you realise who is actually there for you. Family and friends are the most important thing and sometimes just showing love can get you through those dark periods and knowing you have a purpose and are worthy. Others may seek support from others such as teachers etc and this can be a huge influence on getting through dark times as just knowing that you can approach someone and talk to them about absolutely anything and knowing that they really do care and want to help the best they can. Even when you feel at your weakest just having someone by your side helping you to try and keep going can be such a comfort as you won't have to go through anything on your own. The main thing is knowing that no matter how negative something may seem there is a few positives even if the positives are quite difficult to see. Recovering can be difficult but with love, compassion and support hopefully one day things can get better.

Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear." 

What to say and what not to say to someone suffering from depression

Sometimes it can be difficult to know what the right and wrong things to say to someone with depression are. It can be frustrating for someone caring for someone with depression to know what to say or do to help the person they love. It must be even harder to know that the person that you love is hurting. There is things you can do to help the person suffering and even the little things can make a bit of a difference. 

 The right things to say

Please note: There are more but I'm just going to stick to 6 on each section.

The five things I found that has helped me is when people say the following:

1) "I'm here for you if you need me"

Just knowing that someone was there for me made such a difference in my opinion.  I knew I had somewhere to turn to when things weren't that great and if I needed to vent I could it felt like a safety net. I didn't have to bottle up my feelings because even though people may not fully understand just listening was what would help. Let the person know that they aren't alone and that they have your full support. 

2) "Let me help you"

Just by letting the individual know that you want to help them in any way they want you to is something that is useful. But don't be alarmed if the individual doesn't want you to help they may want to push you away but be understanding because they will approach you when they are ready. At first when my family wanted to help me I refused to allow them to I guess that was because I liked to have control and I'm the type of person who hates to be seen as weak I have often been described as a "very private person." It's only until recently that I have been starting to let my family in a lot more to help in various ways such as being there on the bad days, I managed to find the courage ask someone to attend a GP appointment with me to support me and I've allowed my parents to be involved with my treatment because before I closed them out and for me this has been a huge step. 

3)"What kind of thoughts are you having?"

This question is one that can be difficult to answer but can be one that may actually help you understand what the individual is going through or where their thinking is at. I was always scared to share my thoughts because I didn't want people to think they were stupid or invalidate what I was thinking. Another thing is that no matter how uncomfortable it may be to hear someone say things that are so negative just be as compassionate as you can. Remember that asking someone about their thoughts isn't going to make the person worse and let them know that you have listened to what they have just said. 

4)"You are important to me"

This is probably something that you need to remind the person a lot because depression can make you feel worthless and unimportant. Feeling worthless is the worst feeling because you just feel like nothing and you feel like you don't deserve love or support. 

5)"I'm not going to leave you"

Just by letting someone know that you aren't going to give up on them or abandon them can help them know that they can rely on you. I always feared that people would give up on me and leave me to deal with this alone but I was wrong because the people who matter stuck by me and never left my side. Also you don't abandon those that you love.

6)"You are not alone"

Personally I feel this one needs to be said a lot. Depression is isolating and can cause feelings of loneliness because you start to feel like you're alone in the world and that nobody understands you or what you are going through. By reminding the person that they have people around them (family, friends, professionals etc) it can let them know that people do care and that they are loved.

The wrong things to say

1) "Snap out of it"

This is probably the worst thing to ever say because this can create feelings of guilt because as much as the person tries to get themselves out of depression you just can't. You can't just change how you feel instantly because depression is persistent. 

2) "Other people have it worse than you do"

Never tell a depressed person that someone else has it worse than them and to be more grateful just because other people have it worse it doesn't mean that the person's problems will disappear.

3)"You'll feel better tomorrow"

That's not what someone who is struggling really wants to hear. Depression doesn't go away overnight and it can be very pressuring on the person to feel better.

4)"You just have to deal with it" 

Never tell someone to deal with it because they're dealing with it every day and it can be a battle. Telling someone to just deal with it makes them feel like they're not good enough or not trying hard enough and it can create feelings of hopelessness.

5)"I know how you feel"

This is the one that frustrates me because only the individual who is experiencing depression knows what it feels like and also others who have experienced it. A better thing to say would be " I can't understand fully how you feel but I'm listening."

6)"You are such bad company smile more"

Never ever tell a person with depression that they're bad company or to smile more. The person cannot help that they are depressed because depression is an illness and not a feeling. The word "depression" is defined wrong by people in society today, when people say something like " aw I'm so depressed today" what they mean is that they're sad but depression is more than sadness it's like being in a black hole. Be compassionate to the person because they're fighting a very tough battle and need all the support they can get. 

#DearStranger

Dear Stranger,

I am writing this to you to tell you that I care. You may have a reason as to why you have decided to read this post or maybe you don't and that's perfectly okay. Please know that you are not alone and that in time things will get better. Things will get easier but you've just got to get through the hard stuff first. 

It's okay to ask for support I promise you. There is people out there who do care and will be there for you when you need them. You are needed in this world you are cared for and loved. Asking for support can be a massive step I understand that. When I first started struggling with debilitating  low mood I remember feeling scared about asking for support. But I found someone to talk to who I'm forever grateful to and is like family to me and she was there for me every step of the way and is still there for me now even if I don't see her much. On my darkest days it's always been the support and love of my family, friends and my teachers who got me through them. Even if it was just sitting chatting and having a cup of tea the little things like that help and knowing that people do care. Silence is the enemy, keeping quiet months before about my struggles was the hardest it drained me of my energy and I let the negative thoughts control me. The people in my life loved me when I was at my lowest even if I wasn't very lovable and helped me to develop strategies in coping with depression. My thoughts told me over and over "You are a burden" I started to believe that and kept how I felt to myself until one day I thought "You aren't controlling me anymore, I AM in control" I sat down with my year head and told her how I was feeling she was understanding and I remember her words "You aren't a burden to me and our doors are always open if you need to talk" to hear those words in ways was rather comforting. By talking to others and writing about how I felt I could feel depression having less of a grip on me. The darkness would creep up on me but I tried to keep sharing how I felt even though at times I didn't want to talk. As much as my thoughts told me " I wasn't good enough" or " I was a burden and a failure" I tried to ignore them and replace with a positive but I know that can be difficult. Sometimes it's hard to see the light but always know that there is light at the end of this dark tunnel. I would never have got to where I am today without all the love and support everyone in my life has given me. Yes, I still do struggle but I have come so far I'm now able to recognise that. Before when things were bad I would think that I'd failed and I would be so hard on myself but I'm so proud of just how far and how much I've achieved and I know you can be too. You were the one who picked yourself up off the floor when the easiest option was to stay there and cry, you were the one who dragged yourself out of bed when all you wanted to do was hide under the covers and pretend all your problems don't exist, you were the one who was brave enough to stand up and say "I need help." 

I want you to know that you've got nothing to be ashamed about. It's okay not to be okay. Always remember that progress is still progress no matter how small it may be. If you have to take this in baby steps that's allowed because it's still progress. A few months ago I didn't see the point and I didn't feel like I had a future but now I'm more determined than ever to make my future a positive one. You've got this and you will win this battle. It's okay to talk about your mental health, it's okay to take medication like antidepressants etc because these will help you and help you feel and stay well. I know that my struggles don't define who I am as a person. No matter how difficult things may be it will get better. Please know I'm here for you and I do care. I'm still recovering but I may not be there yet but I'm closer than I was yesterday and I'll be even closer tomorrow. 

Depression doesn't define who you are as a person.

Depression is something that is very important and that needs a lot of awareness raised so to raise awareness myself I've decided to write a blog post about it. It shouldn't just be one week that everyone talks about depression it should be every day because if we talk about mental health a lot more we can tackle the stigma in a more effective way. People choose not to talk about depression because of the lack of understanding and compassion in society today. Depression doesn't define who you are as a person.

They ask "Are you okay?" and the answer is always "I'm fine" because you don't want everyone to think that you're weak.

So imagine this and put yourself in someone suffering from depression's shoes. You wake up in the morning and it requires a lot of effort because you'd rather just stay in bed and hide from the world because you feel there's no hope left. You manage to drag yourself out of bed to attend school/college or work and you paint a fake smile across your face because you just can't explain to anyone why you feel the way you're feeling. They ask "Are you okay?" and the answer is always "I'm fine" because you don't want everyone to think that you're weak. You feel like you're moving and thinking in slow motion that you're just existing and not living. You just don't know who you are anymore you feel so lost and alone. Your friends and family really irritate you and you struggle to express yourself so you close them out and refuse to let them in to help. It feels like there's a glass wall between you and the rest of the world and you feel so disconnected from everyone and everything. You feel as though you're drowning and suffocating and it's just a constant battle that just can't be won you're tired of everything, tired of fighting, tired of waking up every day with that voice in your head telling you how worthless and horrible you are like an outburst of negativity. You feel like a burden to everyone you know and you just don't feel like you are worth people's time and support. Physically you feel awful you're tired all the time, you don't have much energy some days and some days you feel numb you just feel so empty.

Occasions such as Christmas don't feel the same anymore because you just can't be happy and all you want to do is lay in bed and cry because you just don't feel worth it and deserve to be alone. Everyone around you is trying to encourage you and support you but all you can do is be horrible back to them and that makes you feel so much worse. You want to be able to cry but you just can't and when you do try and cry you have no tears. Everything seems too much of an effort. Everything just seems so bleak and there just seems to be no light at the end of the tunnel you feel trapped and imprisoned. You do everything you can to try and get yourself through this dark tunnel but all that effort and hard work seems like a waste of time because all it's doing is making you feel exhausted. You lay in bed at night and your mind just won't turn off all the negative thoughts going through your head and they keep you up until 2am. You've made it through another day and prepare for another day of fighting tomorrow. This is what it's like everyday it just repeats itself and even if it's a good day it still feels cloudy and grey. Depression is debilitating it affects every aspect of your life and you feel like you have no strength left. Put yourself in these shoes and imagine the pain and distress someone with depression goes through.

Please don't suffer in silence.

My message to anyone who thinks they may be suffering from depression is please do speak out. There ARE people who can help such as a GP, friend or even a family member. Depression is a difficult condition to fight and at its worst it can be debilitating. Depression is an invisible illness that nobody can see if you think someone you know may be suffering from depression be that caring friend or family member and ask if they're okay but don't push them to talk as they'll talk to you when they are ready but let them know you are there for them. Depression CAN be treated and there are so many different treatment options available. Please don't suffer in silence. Someone once told me this " You may have lost the battle but you haven't lost the war." Carry on fighting this constant battle and get the freedom and happiness that you deserve. One thing to always remember "I may not be there yet but I'm closer than I was yesterday."

Never Lose Hope x x x 

Websites for support and information:

http://www.depressioninteenagers.com

http://young.scot/get-the-lowdown/articles/depression/

http://www.nhs.uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/pages/low-mood-and-depression.aspx

http://www.ntw.nhs.uk/pic/selfhelp/

http://www.moodjuice.scot.nhs.uk/depression.asp

Helplines:

Breathing Space- 0800838587 (free service to call)

Samaritans- 08457909090 email: jo@samaritans.org