I have three words for you: I hate you.
You made me feel miserable and low. That heavy feeling in my chest that wouldn't go away no matter how hard I tried to get rid of it. The tears and the irritability that I couldn't control. You made life feel like a living hell. You made me feel like a burden to other people who loved and cared about me and even though you still do make me feel like this I refuse to listen to you. Feeling in a dark place and one that I was unable to get out of no matter how hard I tried you were just stronger than me. You made me feel so weak and ashamed. I was useless and you told me that over and over. Whenever I had a good day everything would still feel quite cloudy and grey but the only thing that would run through my mind was "This isn't going to last long" because I knew there was no escape from you. You would never give me peace and the freedom that I so desperately wanted from you but you just would not allow it.
I would come home from school and then an hour later go to bed because I needed to escape from you because you had made me feel so exhausted. Telling those I love that "I'm just tired" because I had to keep this all a secret. You telling me that " I wasn't worth the help and support" because everyone would think I'm weak. Then all the negative thoughts you made me feel like nothing. I felt so worthless like I didn't mean anything to anyone. So vulnerable. You made me think that I was alone and that nobody cared about me because they all thought I was too much of a burden when really all the people who loved me wanted to do was help. You kept me up until 2am in the morning mind racing unable to keep up with the thoughts and unable to sleep. All I wanted to do at times was stay in bed and hide from the world and hide from you but you just wouldn't leave me alone. Why do this to me?
You made me feel like I couldn't even talk to my family because they were the bad ones who were just getting on at me all the time. You put my family through hell and I strongly hate you for that. You forced me to keep silent for 6 months and the silence was the other enemy as well as you. You made me become secretive and I was reluctant to share anything with my family they were just completely closed out. It took me 6 months to break your barrier until I finally felt able to talk to my family but you still make me feel ashamed. Why make me feel so bad and ashamed? What have I done to deserve this? Nothing.
You made it hard to feel joy. It's hard sitting watching people laugh and joke away when all I can do is just sit there and feel nothing. Feel numb. Feel empty. You are an evil illness. You made it hard to face people on the days you are around its even harder to hold a conversation because you consume me and everything just feels black. It's hard to concentrate on anything else because its like you are taking over my mind and everything else doesn't matter anymore.
But I have been fighting against you and I seem to be winning. I have people who care about me and who I can talk to about how I feel. I'm not alone anymore I have people who love me helping me fight you and giving me this strength to overcome you. I can now talk to my family and let them help me cope and I don't end up shouting the house down when they try to talk to me about how I feel. I'm starting to feel bits of joy now and again which is something I haven't felt in a while and you know what it's a good feeling it's one I like. I'm beginning to challenge you on the negative thoughts and I think it's a battle I'm starting to win and I am in control. You still return and stick around for some time but either way I just fight twice as hard to silence you. I want to overcome you in order to enjoy the future and I want to be able to say to someone; "I got better and I know you can too"
I do still struggle against you but this is not a battle that I will give up on. I will fight for as long as it takes to get my life back and you've made me realise just how bloody strong I am. I will not surrender.
From,
Me
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