Preop & MRI Results

Today I'm feeling so many different things and it's hard. I had my preop assessment today all was okay with that part as it was just answering so many questions and getting observations done etc. Only thing she pointed out was heart rate was 106❤️ but that was nothing to worry about as it was most likely nerves, pain and medication.  The nurse handed me my MRI results by hand as it was more appropriate than sending them in the post. I was hoping that it would be good news but it hasn't been. The scan showed that there is a thickening of the space behind the vagina and over the bowel. The previous endometriosis found during my first surgery is actually adherent on the bowel. They're having to ask colorectal if they need to be present during the surgery as it may be complicated. One of the clinical nurse specialists was waiting for me after my preop as she wanted to have a proper chat with me. I saw her last night at the meeting but she explained that she'd knew about the results and everything yesterday but felt it wasn't appropriate to mention it to me until this morning. She's my point of contact for any information or advice I need. She has been trying her best to get more information to me but told me there would be an MDT meeting next week with all the professionals and they'll sit down and discuss my case. Processing all this is hard because there's so much information and it's confusing.

I don't really know what or how I should be feeling. I came out the appointment and broke down into tears once on the bus home and then when I actually got home. Disappointed is one word but there are so many more. I didn't expect any of this at all. Sometimes I just wish that this was all one bad dream. Today I don't feel positive at all or like I can fight this. I feel as if everything has just come crashing down and I'm just stuck. I don't even feel like a normal 19 year old anymore because everything is just being put on hold. No matter how much I nourish and try to love my body it decides to bloody fight against me and cause havoc. Today I had to decline a uni offer I got because there's no way I'll be able to move away from home and start a degree with all of this happening and this has made me disappointed because watching everyone else go onto uni and just get on with life is hard as they're able to live life to the full. People don't really know what to say to me - I guess that's okay but I don't know what is helpful at the moment as words just don't seem enough.  It's weird as today I was referred to from my dad as a "fighter as I battled through the first surgery" but am I really because I feel like I've just dragged myself through all this. I told him I can't fight this and I just don't see myself the way he does. Everyone around me probably doesn't know what to say but keep saying - think positive - the worst phrase they could ever say to me today. I remained positive about the MRI results because I was told no news was good news and look what happened. It's hard to talk to those who are really close about what I'm dealing with at the moment. I'm going on holiday 5 weeks on Tuesday with Dylan and it'll be good to live a somewhat "normal" life for a week with no appointments or seeing the faces of different medical staff. I'm feeling quite fragile at the minute. Today is one of the days that I just can't hide how devastated I am by this illness💔😭